


I Need Air

by Waded



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, But he apologizes, Clint Barton & Tony Stark bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Panic, Panic Attacks, Tony Feels, Tony Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Gets a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony-centric, steve is a dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 17:50:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11423070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waded/pseuds/Waded
Summary: Tony is on the edge of panicking. Steve listing off all the things he's doing wrong is not helping.





	I Need Air

**Author's Note:**

> This can be triggering maybe? I don't really know. So yeah, if you get triggered maybe don't read or something? So yeah I hope you like it

Tony hated how every time it happened it caught him completely by surprise. He would kneel on the ground of his workshop with his head in his hands, desperately trying to just breathe. His chest would shudder up and he couldn’t stop the tears from falling. The panic tightening in his stomach, crying and crying and crying. And then he would finally fall asleep either right there on the ground or on the nearby couch. And when he woke up the next day he was fine, he felt fine and great and breathing was easy again. He stuffed the incident in the back of his mind and forgot that it was even a thing. That’s why the next time it happened it hit him just as hard as the times before, and once again he didn’t know what to do but huddle in on himself on the ground as small as possible and cry. 

He had been on edge for the last couple of days now, the panic in his chest a constant reminder of how fucked up everything was. He still needed to make those helicarrier improve designs for Fury, figure out how to make very flexible pants for Bruce, work on new designs for Stark Industry’s Stark Phones, repair the Iron Man armour because of the damages done last fight, read through and sign twelve more contracts and negotiations for SI, prepare for the upcoming board meeting, improve Clint’s arrows and go through his over 120 un-read-email-inbox. He’d been working non-stop for three days, though he knew that because of the constant panic he wasn’t as productive as he could be. And when Steve came down to the workshop to ask him up for dinner (he’d muted JARVIS a while ago because he couldn’t handle Pepper nagging him for deadlines and JARVIS who kept reminding him to take breaks). Maybe, he realized, a break from his work and dinner with the team would help subdue the panic and helped him work at his full capacity after, so he could finally actually finish stuff.

When they arrived at the communal living room the whole team was already there. Bruce and Thor were having a discussion about pop music, while Natasha listened with an amused smirk. Meanwhile Clint was stuffing his face with food. 

“He-ya Tony, Bruce made some Indian thing and it’s amazing,” Clint said, never stopping his chewing. This earned him an elbow in the side from Natasha with and accompanying, “don’t chew and talk moron.” And an “It’s Indian Curry,” from Bruce.

Tony grinned and sat down between Clint and Bruce while Steve sat across from him. The food smelled awesome, coming up was a great idea. While the meal progressed with easy banter breathing became a little easier. Gradually the panic in his chest lessened and Tony smiled and looked at his friends. He actually thought that being around the team might be able to lessen the feeling of panic, when Steve broke off his chain of thoughts.

“There’s actually something we need to discuss,” he said while putting down his cutlery.

So that was the reason Steve wanted him here. He could feel the panic rising again but forced a smile on his face. He motioned a ‘go-on’ sign with his hands. He knew that sitting back, his legs a little spread and hands still holding his cutlery made him seem relaxed and careless.

“You skipped debriefing the other day.”

Oh, Tony thought, so it’s going to be one of those talks. He’d actually been knee deep (literally) in repairing the armor for the next battle. He needed it working and thought fixing the armor was a bigger priority. “I know, I just-,” but Steve didn’t even let him finish.

“No,” he shook his head. “No excuses Tony. Did you look over the mission reports I sent you?”

They were on his list and he was trying but he didn’t have the time. “No, but-.”

“See that’s what I mean Tony. If you don’t bother to go over the reports you don’t know the team’s strategies. That’s why last battle we had 7 civilian casualties.”  
The panic was rising now, this was his fault? He was a murderer, everyone saw him as a murderer. But he was trying so hard, why couldn’t they see he was trying?

Instead of letting Tony explain himself, Steve continued: “Also you are late on Clint’s arrows, how do you expect him to be able to fight right if his arrows suck.”

“I know, they’re almost done and I-“

“Almost isn’t good enough Tony! What if people get killed next battle? You’re gonna go to their families and tell them: Sorry, they were almost done. That is not good enough!”

Not good enough. He wasn’t good enough. Breathe. Breathe. Come oN BREATHE. He didn’t even try to defend himself this time and just let Steve rant on.

“And you haven’t been sleeping right, Tony. If you’re not sleeping right you won’t be able to fight right. You don’t sleep, you don’t look at mission reports, you don’t come to debriefings, and you’re getting behind on fix-ups. You screw up Tony! You are going to make mistakes on the field and then those screw-ups will be on you and you can be the one to tell the families that their loved ones are dead because you are too stupid and too lazy to have responsibilities. Besides Natasha tells me you haven’t been train-“

Steve was right. It was going to be his fault. If only he tried harder and work harder. Every casualty was his fault. He was stupid, so damn stupid. And Steve was still talking. He was still naming every little thing that was wrong with him and he was still talking. And he couldn’t breathe. The panic was taking over and he could feel his hands begin to shake. 

Without another word or glance in the team’s direction he put down his knife and fork and walked away, towards the elevator. Thank god for JARVIS because he didn’t need to say anything and the elevator moved him towards the workshop.

Once there he still couldn’t breathe. He fell down on his knees and clutched his head in his hands but he couldn’t breathe. He felt tears falling down onto his cheeks. He tried to breathe again but choked up. Air. Air. He needed AIR. 

“Up,” he managed to get out, “up JARVIS up up up.”

Without hesitation the elevator doors closed again and the elevator went up, towards the roof. There, the doors opened again and Tony crawled out of the little room onto the big roof. Towards the air. He stuck his head up a little and tried to breathe again, to breathe in the fresh air. Breathing became a little easier, but it wasn’t enough. He looked around and only saw roof. He started panicking again, space he needed space. He started to crawl to the edge of the roof, trying to get air and space. When he finally reached the edge of the roof he peered over the edge and saw New York. He had air. And space. And slowly it was easier to breathe again, the tears still rolling from his face. Slowly the panic was subduing. He kept his head over the edge of the roof and he was okay. For now. 

 

“Ouch.” Steve put a hand on the back of his head, not because it hurt but more as a reflex. “What did you do that for,” he said while turning to the one who had smacked him on the head.

“You’re an idiot Captain,” Natasha said, “he was clearly panicking. He was shaking.”

Steve stared at the closed elevator that moments before Tony had left towards. Did he really not see Tony panicking? Or did he just choose to ignore it? He’d seen Tony was uncomfortable with the situation and had stopped defending himself. He hadn’t even given Tony the possibility to defend himself. He had just kept pushing and pushing until Tony had walked away. “Was I-” he hesitated.

“You were ruthless Cap,” Clint said, having finished his meal, “no wonder he walked away. That was plain mean. You said all the deaths were his fault.”

He had, hadn’t he? He had basically pushed all the wrongs of the team onto Tony. He was the leader; he was supposed to take care of his team. 

“I’m an idiot.”

“Sometimes, yes.”

“How do I fix this?”

Natasha gave him a small smile. “Apologize, Steve. And we’ll come with you because even though we didn’t say anything we also didn’t defend him.” She looked around, daring anyone to disagree with her. 

Clint raised his hands in surrender. “Whatever you say.”

“JARVIS,” Steve asked while looking up at the ceiling (“he isn’t in the ceiling Capsicle”), “where is Tony right now?”

“Sir is currently on the roof.”

The team exchanged surprised looks. What was he doing on the roof?

“You mean in his suit right?”

“Sir is not in his suit at the moment.”

Natasha sent a worried look his way and he stepped into the elevator, the rest soon following. “Take us to the roof JARVIS.”

“Of course.” The elevator doors closed and went up towards the roof.

The elevator doors opened once they had arrived on the roof. Immediately Steve stepped out, looking for Tony. Clint, however, saw Tony first, on hands and knees hanging over the edge of the roof, without a second thought he took a few steps forward. Only then he realized startling someone on the edge of the roof was probably not the smartest idea. “Tony...” He tried carefully, taking a small step forward. The rest of the team also stared at Tony then, his position made clear by Clint, yet there was no reaction on Tony’s part. 

“Tony?” Another step forward

“Hey man, why don’t you just take a step away from the edge okay?” No reaction.

“Tony?” A few more steps.

Until he had finally arrived close to Tony and could hear the ragged breaths coming from the genius. He crouched down. “Hey buddy, c’mon lets go back inside. Whatever it is man, we’ll fix it, promise,” he said, finishing with solemnly holding up two fingers. Tony’s breaths were a little less loud, so Clint kept talking: “It’s okay, it’ll be okay now. I’m here Tony, right here. Its birdbrain man, I’m here to save your stupid ass.”

After a few minutes of mindless chatter on Clint’s side, Tony became more aware. He took in a deep breath, suddenly realizing he was hanging over the edge of the roof again and took a small step back.

“Yeah, that’s it Tones, come to me.”

Tony slowly turned around, face still red and covered with obvious tear tracks, his eyes met Clint’s. “Birdbrain?”

“Yeah man,” Clint laughed and opened his arms, Tony willingly took the invitation and practically threw himself in the man’s arms. There, safe in the arms of one of his best friends, he couldn’t help himself from the unconscious babbling coming from his mouth.

“I tried, I swear. I’m trying, I’m trying, I am. Please believe me... It’s so much and I’m trying but it’s too much. Sorry. Sorry. I am useless I know. Never do anything right. It’s my fault. Always my fault. Murderer. Useless murderer. Can’t get shit done cause I’m such a failure. Y’ should kick me off the team. Am useless. Keep fucking up. Keep fucking everything up and I should just not exist and just disappe-”

Tony was cut off by a firm hand on his shoulder from Steve, who had joined them while Clint had been busy coaxing him from the edge. 

“No, Tony,” he stated firmly, “I was wrong, you are not useless okay? And I am sorry. I should have seen that you were trying just as hard as everyone else, scratch that probably even harder. What I said to you was mean and completely uncalled for. It’s not your fault. Honestly, if it wasn’t for you there would be so much more failures. With your great technology, suit and strategic insight you have saved our asses more than once and I-”

“Language,” Tony mumbled.

“I don’t care. I am sorry for being such an asshole. Will you come back to the common room and watch a movie with us?”

Tony smiled and looked up, “Pirates?”

“Pirates.”

And if Tony fell asleep between Clint and Steve halfway through the movie, Steve couldn’t help but hold him just a bit tighter.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you thought :)  
> & I hope you liked it


End file.
